I know I’m an ugly woman — I just wish men would give me a chance
‘It really sucks to be an ugly woman when beauty is the one characteristic that society expects the most,’ says Blake*.
At nearly 25 years old, she’s never been kissed, never been on a date and has certainly never had a boyfriend — which she puts entirely down to her looks.
Explaining her issue on Reddit, she writes: ‘When I say ugly, I mean actually ugly. I mean bad face structures that only surgery might fix-ugly.
‘[It] sucks so much. No one gives me a chance to “prove” my worth, they just dismiss me the instant they see me. I’m a decent person with a decent personality and I’d make a decent partner, but those qualities seem to be useless without good looks.’
The young woman describes herself as intelligent, kind, empathetic, witty,and well-educated. Yet in spite of all this, she’s never been asked out.
‘Guys just look at me and go “no”, and then that door is closed,’ she adds. ‘And yes, I’ve tried doing the asking, and I’ve gotten rejected every time’.
Some offered advice like keeping fit and dressing well, but Blake says she already does these things, commenting: ‘There’s literally nothing more I can change.’
And she’s not the only one to feel like she doesn’t meet societal standards of beauty. In fact, a recent YouGov study found a fifth of Brits consider themselves to be ‘below average’ in the looks department, scoring themselves a zero to four out of 10.
For therapist Laura Duester, of the Counselling Directory, it’s no surprise that Blake lacks confidence and feels undesirable, as she’s caught in a ‘vicious cycle’.
Laura tells Metro: ‘Our self-beliefs shape our behaviours, often creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Where we have negative self-perceptions, these can lead to defensive or self-sabotaging behaviours which reinforce the negative self-belief.
‘For example, if you think you’re unattractive, you may avoid eye contact or act disinterested in social situations, which will make others less likely to warm to you and therefore reinforce your belief about being unattractive.’
The therapist explains that if you believe you’re valuable and attractive (regardless of your physical appearance), then you’ll likely be more confident and have a warmer response from others.
Pretty privilege
Blake’s struggles aren’t exclusively in the dating world either, as she claims she feels ‘invisible’ in all aspects of life.
‘In group settings, people don’t even look at me when talking because apparently I’m too discomfiting to behold,’ she says. ‘Even my supervisor chooses to talk primarily to my more attractive classmate when speaking to us both, despite me being engaged in the conversations.
‘I ask a question, and it’s answered as if someone else presented it. It’s like I don’t even exist. My own best friend has now ditched me to simp on someone with a very similar personality but better looks.’
Laura argues that this can be a result of ‘media images which promote unrealistic standards and expectations’, which ‘can lead to our own feelings of failure’ if we don’t meet them. Not only that, it can create ‘unrealistic expectations about a partner’s appearance.’
@heyitsmaryalice growing up ugly and then having a glow up and experiencing pretty privilege is insane #prettyprivilege #growingupugly #prettyprivilegeisreal #growingupfat #glowupbeforesummer #confidencejourney #formerfatkid #chicagogirlsdoitbetter #relatable
This is all part of pretty privilege, the phenomenon where things come easier to those who are considered conventionally attractive, while those who are less attractive are largely ignored in society.
On TikTok, #prettyprivilege has hit more than 250 million views, with countless videos from people sharing their own experiences, including @heyitsmaryalice who said she was shocked to realise people only held doors open for her after she had a ‘glow up.’
And counsellor Laura agrees that this experience is all too real.
‘Pretty privilege reflects the unconscious biases that affect our day to day interactions,’ she says.
‘We’re bombarded by messages that tell us beauty is synonymous with success, equating attractiveness with confidence, health, wealth and happiness. Films, adverts and social media consistently underpin these biases, reinforcing the unconscious belief that being physically attractive makes someone “better” and more valuable.’
Ultimately, whether you feel invisible or objectified, we’re all bound by the same superficial laws of what society deems attractive.
The dating double standard
Blake also feels she’s fallen victim to a double standard between men and women, writing: ‘Before any of you go “it sucks to be an ugly guy too”, yeah I’m sure it sucks and that you guys face similar problems, but honestly, how many of you know of ugly women finding hot boyfriends?
‘Personally I can’t think of a single case, but the opposite exists in abundance. It’s of my opinion that women do give men with nice personalities a chance, but the opposite happens very rarely.’
If you’re rolling your eyes, just wait a minute, because she does have a point as far as statistics are concerned.
‘Men may place a higher emphasis on physical attractiveness than women do, and this could be down to biology and evolution,’ Naomi Magnus, a psychotherapist at her clinic North London Therapy, tells Metro. ‘Men might be more visually oriented when it comes to attraction, influenced by societal standards that prioritise youth and beauty.’
This is backed up by research which shows men are more likely to say a potential partner’s body type matters to them in terms of attractiveness (74%) compared to women (57%) – although 90% of people, regardless of gender, say they’d rather be with someone who has a ‘dad bod’ and a great personality than a model with a dull personality.
Essentially, looks are never going to be the be-all and end-all – as much as society wants you to believe otherwise. And therapist Laura agrees.
‘Attraction often plays a role in relationships, but this doesn’t just encompass physical appearance – attraction is shaped by many factors including personality, intelligence, emotional connection and shared values,’ she says.
‘Confidence, sense of humour, kindness and authenticity also often make someone seem more attractive, and these are qualities that can be practised and cultivated.’
Laura thinks Blake could benefit from focusing on nurturing an emotional connection first instead.
She advises: ‘Ask open-ended questions to learn about the other person’s values and experiences, and then listen actively and show curiosity and empathy about their answers.
‘Having an activity date (such as going bowling or to an art class) also helps people bond over shared experiences. It shifts the focus away from physical attraction, encouraging a less pressured and less appearance-focused interaction.’
Highlighting the importance of ‘self-compassion’ and recognising strengths, Laura suggests Blake a daily list of the positive achievements she’s had that day, as well as surrounding herself with friends and family who celebrate her.